what the fuck should i do with my life?

Haven't posted on here for a very long time yet my whole life has completely changed! Well not completely but a lot of it. I no longer live in the city that is Birmingham, I travelled away from the dull city and simply went to another city - logical thinking indeed. And now I live in Cardiff which is basically a much smaller city with lots of welsh people. It is the capital of Wales which is odd because it's so tiny, I could literally walk round most of it in a day.
When moving away from home I set up very large expectations in my head that university would change everything in existence - it didn't but surprisingly I am much happier here than I was at home.
 It's not exactly living independently but it gives you a little taste of growing up, this is something I enjoy as having your own space is great as well as there is someone to talk to constantly and more than likely an opportunity to go out 99% of the time. For the first few months life was perfect, I had new friends and a new start as well Jon coming to visit me a lot. I had never felt this happy before, a tad dramatic but after a eventful year at art foundation I was ready and determined for a better year. 
Art foundation definitely made me realise I did not want to take an artistic direction in my life but instead writing or learning about the media, after my previous post I was hoping to find my passion here in Cardiff but low and behold I pretty much dislike the course I am studying. 
And now here I am writing a blog post at 4am questioning what to do with my life and toying with the idea of moving courses. Today, well yesterday I woke up at 5pm with a cardboard box full of fried chicken and chips stinking out my room. I decided this isn't how I want to do things in my life but yet I cant seem to decide on any direction. I'm not saying that at the age of 20 I should know what to do but I would like some sort of idea of what I am at least passionate about. In the past few weeks I have thought about leaving uni and taking a floristry course - why? Because flowers are pretty..
Not exactly the best reason but I suddenly has this vision in my head of myself owning my own flower shop dressed like Audrey Hepburn and singing which isn't very realistic. I keep looking into what I should do but get distracted by things such as stressing that I am developing a second chin or looking at my Bob Marley poster and thinking, "I wish I was Bob Marley." And the latest thing to distract me is staying up till stupid o clock watching My Big fat Gypsy Wedding and now I am writing a blog post. 
Sometimes I am tempted to move to Fashion Promotion/ Retail but fear I am not confident or sassy enough to do a degree in it let alone work in that kind of environment. I've even googled, 'what the fuck should i do with my life?' Which somehow ended up telling me to be a postman. Truth is I think I need to change my mindset but I honestly do not know how, travelling maybe to enlighten me? But that would cost me a boatload of money so until then I am stuck deciding what to do. I hope to figure a bit out before September otherwise I will have nowhere to live. If anyone has any idea of what I should do please let me know on twitter @Clbrowntown this is literally begging omg.

Peace, also I apologise for the amount of I's in this post as well spelling mistakes and well for just moaning.

where's my passion at?

pas·sion  

n.

1. A powerful emotion, such as love, joy, hatred, or anger.

2.

a. Ardent love.

b. Strong sexual desire; lust.

c. The object of such love or desire.

3.

a. Boundless enthusiasm: His skills as a player don't quite match his passion for the game.

b. The object of such enthusiasm: Soccer is her passion.

I'm talking about the second lot of meanings here, enthusiasm etc keeping this a clean post! Passion is something I think about a lot, at art foundation I am surrounded by people who have a passion for what they're doing which is originally why I took it, to find my passion. Sadly I did not which is why I'm not continuing and instead I chose media, culture and journalism. I didn't choose it because I am passionate about it, it just seemed interesting and I didn't want to be stuck in Birmingham for another year even though I have started to realise this city is slowly growing on me (finally after almost 20 years!)

My mind goes blank every time I try to think about something I'm passionate about, I mean yeah I like clothes but I'm not exactly lusting over the fashion world. In fact I guess I can't be that passionate about clothing a) I'm too indecisive b) I don't really have a certain style. If I do go hunting for clothes I just get frustrated. I like a lot of things really but all I see it as is a bit of dabbling.

I'm not exactly looking for my passion or anything I just hope it comes to me one day. Maybe it will come if I ever become a mom when I'm older and all that deep, meaningful shit. Or maybe a year travelling the globe, who knows? It frustrates me a lot that I have nothing I really want to sink my teeth into especially when so many people around me have something like that, maybe it's more envy rather than frustration? Although I am tremendously  proud of the people around me and what they have achieved. I know a lot of people are probably in the same boat as me so I'm hoping this post doesn't sound all too ME ME ME. I just think by finding some sort of passion I would feel more comfortable in my own skin that's all.

And in the mean time while my passion is taking it's sweet time to get to me I am currently baking and attempting gardening so over the summer I'll develop into a 52 year old elderly person and hey ho maybe even attempt cross stitching! Thrilling times ahead I must say.

Peace

May

So the last time I posted was sometime in April and now May is drawing to a close pretty soon so I thought I would give you a quick recap of what has been happening the past month whether you like it or not. If not then get off my blog like seriously what are you doing here?

So May began with a gig in Moseley with my friend Natalie to see BAD MOON which ended up being "let's see what's inside Jordan Crawford's stomach" when he threw up mid set right in front of his mother. I don't remember a great deal of the night despite hardly drinking other than feeling rather ill and spending a majority of my night in the smoking area.

The next day I became a domestic goddess and made a 3 well almost 4 course meal (does heating up bits of a bacon and sweet chilli chicken wings class as a course?) for my boyfriend Jon as that evening he was saying farewell to his teenage years and approaching the lovely age that is 20. For starters we had nachos with a blanket of cheese melted on top complimented by philadelphia and sweet chilli sauce which is well pretty easy to make. Next up we had pasta bake and what would have been garlic bread if I had remembered to defrost it. Jon seemed pretty pleased by all the food coming his way so I wasn't too worried and I had American bacon (which barely shrinks in comparison to English bacon) as well as chicken wings to back me up. Last but not least was the Dr Pepper cake, this was the big finale which I think went down a treat despite my mom saying it wasn't cooked enough! A big, thick chocolate cake which had hints of Dr Pepper with every mouthful as well as being covered with chocolate icing on top. I was extremely pleased with the outcome of my cake so ignored my mom's comments. However it was such a strange and very fattening recipe but then again it was American and I had to add 2 whole mugs worth of sugar to the recipe which I think is a bit extreme and a great way to lead you to the path of diabetes! Overall though Jon seemed really pleased with it all which is all I wanted and hopefully a decent goodbye to the boring age of 19. It has also made me want to get in the kitchen more (cue the hysterical comments about feminism from Jon upon when he reads this)

Onto Saturday which was Jon's Birthday, that night we went to  Drop Beats Not Bombs 10th Anniversary, at Q Club, Birmingham which is a converted chapel with a number of rooms playing DnB. I can't recap barely any of the night but it was great and one of the best nights I have had this year.

That was just the first couple of days in May so it was shaping up pretty nicely and I was finally finishing Art Foundation! If you don't know me too well or haven't heard me complaining then basically I despise Art Foundation as it has made me realise A) I am not creative in the slightest and B) I am far too lazy to travel to Brierley Hill every day. For my FMP I was creating a promotion ad campaign for my very own festival which I will probably make a post about sometime soon.

In between cooking and complaining I took part in a hair modelling show for my friend Joe who is becoming a hairdresser! The hair show was to celebrate the Richard Harvey salon is still alive and kicking after 20 years, it's been a lovely few weeks popping to the salon every Wednesday to be pampered. My hair has been dyed to black which has had mixed reviews as people have really approved or told me I look like Wednesday Adams due to my pale yet spotty complexion. But in the words of Cher from Clueless, "Whatever!" I love it and now it gives me  more opportunities to wear red lipstick as it compliments my black hair so well. If you are ever thinking about having your hair coloured at a hairdressers I would definitely recommend Richard Harvey, they really take care of you and make sure you hair is going to get the best treatment as well as having great staff. Here is a link to their facebook page https://www.facebook.com/RichardHarveyOldswinford 

This post is starting to drag so I best cut this now. I will probably be posting more now as I have more time on my hands, I still need to post about my growing collection of Dr Martens but I'll save that for another post. May has been an eventful month and probably my favourite so far of the year, looking forward to what June has to offer.

Peace.

Change

A bit of a vague title really but something that I have learnt in the past 8 months is that I really despise change more than most things. Even if it's a positive change I still cling onto April last year when I was probably at my happiest but then once again for my life to get to that point lots of changes would have occurred. I see change as a pair of dice, I might release them from my hand one day with all the optimism in the word but I still might not get the change I was hoping for but it might be a different kind of change I wasn't even expecting.

When I think about Art Foundation it leaves a sour taste in my mouth, it's is something that has made me bitter. If I could explain Art Foundation as a colour it would be grey, it's made everything about me grey. I see everything in a grey light when I'm there, my mind shuts down and I feel like the tiniest speck of dust. It has a hold on me and it smoothers me and everything in my path I destroy. I would like to say this hasn't affected my personal life but sadly it has.

I wont go any further with such morbid writing but the positives I can write about Art Foundation help me to overcome the negative aspects are

That I have made some incredible friends and strengthened some already amazing friendships

I now know what I want to study at University and have confirmed my place at Glamorgan in Cardiff (soon to be know as the University of South Wales)

The thing is things may not be how I want them to be right now and I know they are never going to be like April last year but I might roll the dice again and get a change that I'm content with. Relationships may be strengthened or destroyed or just take a really good bruising overtime but maybe if I just keep rolling with the changes that are occurring I might get something really good out of it. I'm more than terrified for the next couple of months and I don't believe that by having a positive mindset everything will be fine because fate is a cruel hand that plays apart in every humans life but as long as you have some pretty decent friends who can pick you up than you my friend are lucky.

Who run the earth?

I am currently completing an art foundation course and thought I would share my latest project which I finished a few weeks ago. The course has been a real eye opener for me as it has made me realise what I actually want to do with my future. Although my future will not be to take my art skills further into higher education it has been an enjoyable experience which has enhanced my drawing skills as well extending my knowledge with art culture. Before joining this course I studied Textiles at A level however I am now trying my hand at graphics, it's a steep learning curve but I like the fact you're communicating a message through the media such as advertising. As I am studying Media, Culture and Journalism at University I feel this was the best department to join.

My brief was to choose an article from any newspaper, tabloid or broadsheet and create a satirical piece of work. My work must ridicule the events in the story in some way. I had to use wit and humour to somehow portray my view of the story as well as undermine the view that was expressed. 

I chose to base my work around a story  I read in the Guardian. It was about the struggle women astronauts faced during the late 60's, 70's and 80's. Obviously during these decades women endured many struggles as well as breakthroughs. It is evidently a time period to be reckoned with when discussing the changes women went through. During this time NASA was becoming a huge part of history however women astronauts were told they didn't have the right physique in order for them to enter space. Valentina Tereshkova was the first woman astronaut to enter space in 1963 it took 21 years for another woman to enter space. This itself shows that women faced difficulties when wanting to be astronauts. Therefore I decided to create 4 photomontages showing that women can enter space as well as multi-tasking. This was my way of showing my opinion of the story, basically showing that I think its absurd that women could not enter space. I decided to use Barbie dolls as they are often linked with this "perfect" perception we have in the media today of women. The connotations of Barbie Dolls are usually a bimbo, airhead, dependant on men, beauty. By using Barbie dolls as astronauts I am portraying them in a different light, they appear strong, independent as well as combining them with the connotations of a mother such as multi-tasking and housewife. Basically alot similar to the WWII icon Rosie The Riveter who is often seen as symbol for feminism. During my research for this I looked into the feminist art movement, one artist who I found quite inspiring was Martha Rosler who also uses photo-montaging in a lot of her art work. She often combines images of pop culture and war to show how blissfully unaware we are of events on a global scale and instead are enticed into a consumer culture. 

My images are similar to this however I decided to add text to them. If you look at many satirical images in newspapers many usually have satirical comment such as the likes of Gerald Scarfe and Steve Bell. When deciding on what text I wanted I looked into 50's B Movies as I am trying to portray a 50's housewife as well an astronaut. The texts I used are bright, big and basic. When decided on what I wanted to actually put I thought of in your face comments as I wanted to make an impact. In one of my images I used the phrase "Hello Boys" which was used in the infamous Wonderbra advertisement with Sara Lee. Obviously in this advert they are depicting women as objects by twisting the phrase and using it in my own way I hope to add humour to my image. Over all I am very pleased with the outcome of my images, I hope you like them too.

NME AWARDS BIRMINGHAM

Last night I attended the NME Awards at the o2 with my good friend Lucy before having a boogie in Flares of all place as well having a a small encounter with SNOBS. I had a great night and woke up to a very hungover Jon as well as remainders of fried chicken crumbs everywhere. 

First to perform was Peace, I literally saw about 5 minutes of them as I was late (which is a very common thing for me to do). When my ears first listened to Peace late last year I adored them even if they are literally the first thing you think of when Hipster comes out of someone's mouth and then its all up in arms and Tumblr is mentioned. Of course little Tumblr tweens everywhere will love them for their patterned shirts, vintage leather jackets, 90's curtain haircuts and flashy, ultra bright, acid trip backgrounds. Someone I know stated they sound similar to Nirvana however I feel that they sound more like Vampire Weekend with a slightly more rock feel to them. They have definitely blown up in the past couple of months and were nominated for BBC Sound of 2013. I'm hoping the album will be just as good as the Delicious EP with its indie rock tones mixed with a slight tropical theme.

Second up was the 4 piece band Palma Violets which I'm guessing get asked if they actually are like the purple confectionery a rather lot in interviews. Despite being nothing like the perfumed candy they are a mixture of garage rock entwined with psychedelic strands. They do not fail to please, the sea of people we're screaming back at them the words to Best of Friends whilst bobbing their heads. I am eager to hear the album which was released in February however I am slightly worried a lot of the songs will sound all too familiar to Best Of Friends.

Act number three was Miles Kane, I literally had never listened to Miles Kane until a week ago and then tried to squeeze in as many of his songs as I could an hour before attending the gig. By the time Miles Kane was set to come on Lucy and I had somehow managed to squash ourselves into the middle of the academy surrounded by an army of polo shirts and Noel Gallagher haircuts. Kane began bellowing indie pop into the mic and within 3 seconds of the first song I had almost lost my creeper and Lucy. As I was pushed further back into the polo shirt wave a cup was thrown at me which I then lunged further to the front of crowd (with a very girly throw i might add) only for a chubbier troop from the polo shirt wearing army to sarcastically turn to me and say "Nice throw". Which I didn't really understand as I can't imagine he did any better in P.E at school if he was that size. A few songs later I was pushed into Lucy and we was reunited and then we ran off to the toilet like girls do. I did quite like Miles Kane but I dislike his following, I feel he is slightly too pop and is straining to be indie with his haircut and clothes.

Last but not least was Django Django which had a very wide following right from the teens to the middle aged. I'm guessing the majority of the middle aged like them as they remind them of 90's raves with their fast beating, repetitive drums. As the drums kicked in I could feel the energy all around the room, you cannot help but move to Django Django as the drums carry you and your body starts throwing itself around, you know you have waited for something good at the end of the 4 acts. I have listened to the album which is self named Django Django, it is an album which begs to played over and over again with their inventive sounds Django Django entice you  in with their beats. Despite a few disruptions to my listening due to a middle aged man grabbing the hair of a tumblr teen. I must say Django Dango was my favourite act of the night with Palma Violets coming in close.  

My only regret is I should have been slightly intoxicated, everyone is far too stiff at gigs. Once you have a slither of alcohol in your system you tend to let go more and let the beat carry you, which is probably why by the time Django Django came on everyone was a little bit wasted and could enjoy themselves more. Despite not being drunk at that time I woke up with a hangover that made me feel similar to an ass.

Nan, Grandma, Grandmother, A second mother

grand·moth·er 

n.

1. The mother of one's father or mother.

2. A female ancestor.

A few months ago I was scrolling down twitter and came across Elle Magazine's tweet about an article on their website called A tribute to inspirational women. A book was mentioned which was titled 'My Other Mother', upon reading this many of the staff at Elle Magazine felt inspired to share treasured memories of their own grandmothers.

As soon as I began reading the memoirs of these women and their connection with their grandmothers I felt compelled to write about my own grandmother.

I do not call Janet by the title Grandmother I much prefer Nan instead and so does she, it's a preference we both agree on. She is roughly 5'3 but transmits the positivity of a BT Tower. Before I even existed my nan had already dealt with much more grief than most women at the age of 45, she had lost her son. My uncle Dennis was 20 when he died in a freak accident which occurred in Germany, he was practising in the Army. I cannot imagine the pain and grief  that has tormented with my Nan's emotions, your children are never supposed to die before you. Ever. They are meant to carry on your genes and blood, they are your legacy. Someone you have loved and nurtured from a boy to a man to then be cruelly snatched away from you must be one of the most difficult things to deal with. Just a few years before this tragic event my nan's very own mother had bowel cancer, as she attempted to battle her illness my nan took it upon her as the eldest of her siblings to move in with my great grandmother and nursed her right until the day she died.

It really does baffle me how my nan copes so well when she is faced with some of the most awful things but this is why I admire her the most. I idolise my nan because she deals with grief so well, she stands up to it, she takes it on and battles it. She always wins with her positivity. I will never know how she rises above it so much especially with such ease. She has this great enthusiasm for life and just constantly keeps on going while being fuelled by tea.

I believe her approach to life is something many of us should take on, most of us including myself are so negative about the tiniest of things yet my nan who has these battle scars is happier than the majority. Despite losing my Grandad in 2004 to a very rapid and aggressive form of bowel cancer, she still took it on in her stride and continued life with her positive approach. She treasures her memories with him and talks about him so fondly and lovingly and not once is a tear seen.

I have never met anyone like this lady and i am incredibly proud to call this extraordinary human being my nan.

here is a link to the article itself A tribute to inspirational women