Nan, Grandma, Grandmother, A second mother

grand·moth·er 

n.

1. The mother of one's father or mother.

2. A female ancestor.

A few months ago I was scrolling down twitter and came across Elle Magazine's tweet about an article on their website called A tribute to inspirational women. A book was mentioned which was titled 'My Other Mother', upon reading this many of the staff at Elle Magazine felt inspired to share treasured memories of their own grandmothers.

As soon as I began reading the memoirs of these women and their connection with their grandmothers I felt compelled to write about my own grandmother.

I do not call Janet by the title Grandmother I much prefer Nan instead and so does she, it's a preference we both agree on. She is roughly 5'3 but transmits the positivity of a BT Tower. Before I even existed my nan had already dealt with much more grief than most women at the age of 45, she had lost her son. My uncle Dennis was 20 when he died in a freak accident which occurred in Germany, he was practising in the Army. I cannot imagine the pain and grief  that has tormented with my Nan's emotions, your children are never supposed to die before you. Ever. They are meant to carry on your genes and blood, they are your legacy. Someone you have loved and nurtured from a boy to a man to then be cruelly snatched away from you must be one of the most difficult things to deal with. Just a few years before this tragic event my nan's very own mother had bowel cancer, as she attempted to battle her illness my nan took it upon her as the eldest of her siblings to move in with my great grandmother and nursed her right until the day she died.

It really does baffle me how my nan copes so well when she is faced with some of the most awful things but this is why I admire her the most. I idolise my nan because she deals with grief so well, she stands up to it, she takes it on and battles it. She always wins with her positivity. I will never know how she rises above it so much especially with such ease. She has this great enthusiasm for life and just constantly keeps on going while being fuelled by tea.

I believe her approach to life is something many of us should take on, most of us including myself are so negative about the tiniest of things yet my nan who has these battle scars is happier than the majority. Despite losing my Grandad in 2004 to a very rapid and aggressive form of bowel cancer, she still took it on in her stride and continued life with her positive approach. She treasures her memories with him and talks about him so fondly and lovingly and not once is a tear seen.

I have never met anyone like this lady and i am incredibly proud to call this extraordinary human being my nan.

here is a link to the article itself A tribute to inspirational women

the problem with shoes and me

After months of moaning and whining about needing a new pair of shoes, I finally purchased some on Saturday. For the past year I have constantly worn black underground creepers to the extent that the wedge on the bottom of them is practically flat, therefore not actually giving me the height I have constantly been straining for. I must admit when I initially saw some creepers, I thought they were disgusting. However they started slowly appearing on the scene and I was desperate to have a bit more height as well having the illusion of longer and thinner legs. Creepers are a godsend to short girls everywhere like myself. Eventually I had enough money to buy a pair of Underground Creepers, i refused to have a cheaper version as I thought the quality of the wedge wouldn't be as good and would wear down far too easily.  However if you wear the same pair of shoes every single day and also on nights out then eventually they will wear down. In November last year I reached breaking point and had enough of tiny rocks appearing in my shoes due to the hole at the bottom of my creepers, so i had to deal with buying a New Look version of the creepers which was tough but no one really noticed the difference. Unlike other shoes, creepers are harder to tell if they are fake or not. The only real difference when in comparison with my Underground and New Look pair is the logo on the bottom of the Underground pair and the fact they look slightly bigger at the front as the New Look pair look quite narrow.  Now I know creepers are associated mainly with the word 'Hipster' but I honestly only wanted them for the height.
That was my main issue when looking for new shoes, I needed the height. I hate flats because they do nothing my little, dumpy legs. I didn't want heels though as I think wearing heels in the day makes you look extremely high maintenance as well as not being able to run for the bus or walking up and down stupid steep hills that forever feel like Everest. So there was this constant circle of looking for shoes and ending up right back at the start and settling for more creepers. I was adamant not to get creepers though and persevered in my hunt for a shoe with a slight wedge.

I have always liked trainers but I feel the clothing I wear doesn't really look right with trainers, I realised this after spending £60 on suede green Nike blazers in the summer of 2011 which I actually despise. I'm currently looking at them now with disgust, everything I wore with them looked ridiculous and they gave me cankles. A month later I was pushed into getting black and white vans after months of saying how much I loathed the vans hype, they have only ever been worn once. As soon as I purchased them I realised I didn't even want them and also they were flat and gave me no height! But on Saturday my love for trainers reappeared, I decided to purchase some Air max 1 black anthracite grey's. I have fallen in love with them, they are perfect. They give me height which is the one thing i was desperate for and are extremely comfortable. I chose black because that way they go with everything. They are like a cushion for my feet. I recently saw them in London in Size? but they only started from a size 8 which was disappointing. When I returned to Birmingham I headed for Office and found them in the shop window, I immediately asked if they had them in a size 5 but sadly they started from a 5.5. This worried me as I vary from a size 4-5 and though 5.5 would be monstrously big, luckily Nikes come up super small and my tiny feet fit perfectly into them. The next problem to tackle was the price, I am indecisive with just about everything in life so for me to blow a serious amount of money on trainers after having a bad past with them was going to be tough. I decided to sleep on it and a day later I purchased them, luckily Jon was there to ease me into such a big purchase and insisted I had many outfits to wear with them. 

I know the connotations linked to Air Max 1's are usually to do with street wear and after endlessly being horrible to my boyfriend and making a joke out of street wear I will come across as a major hypocrite, but the style has grown on me. I like elements of street wear and believe if you wear it then you shouldn't become just a slave to it and end up looking like a human label. I've wanted to change how I dress for a while and this is the start of something new and hopefully tying in more elements to create a look I actually like. I was apprehensive about wearing them to college at first but then I realised if I like them then why should anyone else opinion really matter?

R.I.P Creepers

time to start

I made this blog a few days ago but the truth is I'm terrified of starting it. I'm not sure why, could be do to with the fact that I over think everything to such an extent that it stops me from having an open mind at all. I literally condemn everything, every thought that comes into my head I destroy. Which is why my new years resolution is to have an open mind.

But the more I think about having an open mind the more my mind refuses to do so. I'm a perfectionist who likes to analyse every little detail, a thought can pop into my head and the process begins..

Analyse every word completely

Did they really mean that or did they mean this?

Perhaps they meant this but with a hint of this?

It continues and never really stops, this is something I've done since before my teenage years which means 10 years of constant nit picking. I want to change how I think this year. 2013 is the year of changes and what better way to start than changing how I think.

And so it has begun, by making this first post I'm one step closer to changing.

I'm not really sure what this blog will be about, probably anything but I need to start writing again as I'm a little rusty and don't have much confidence in myself anyway. Also art foundation has turned my brain into mush.